Dear BMW,
I married a beautiful woman from Dedza, but I think I accidentally married her entire clan.
Her brothers visit our house like tax collectors. They eat my food, drink my beer, and even advise me on how to treat “our wife.” One of them once told me, “Brother‑in‑law, don’t shout at her, she is delicate.” Another said, “If you don’t buy her a new phone, we will.”
BMW, I am confused. Am I the husband here, or just the treasurer of a family project? Should I fight them, bribe them, or surrender my marriage to the in‑law committee?
— Confused Groom, Dedza
Dearest Confused Groom,
You are not a husband. You are a shareholder in a joint venture called Marriage PLC.
Your wife is the CEO, her brothers are the board of directors, and you are the junior accountant who funds operations. You thought you were marrying one woman, but you married a whole village. Congratulations — you are now the proud father of in‑law democracy.
A real husband commands his household like a general. He eats first, drinks first, and sleeps first. But you, my friend, are being treated like a waiter in your own home. You serve, they eat, and then they give you tips on how to smile.
Let me tell you: the best in‑laws like mine (all 12, before they chased me out of the village) only visited once a year and only to borrow a goat. They don’t sit in your living room issuing decrees about phones and delicacies.
So, do you have a problem? No. You have a parliament. And in parliament, the Speaker is never the husband.
Ndithudi, most men would kill to have a wife without brothers, but here you are competing with a whole football team.
Big Man Wamkulu
